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Wednesday, December 23, 2015

55 Thoughts Parents Have on Christmas Day

Remember when we were children and perfect? Remember when we woke up late Christmas morning, unwrapped presents slowly and enjoyed quality time with our family until it was time for bed? Yeah, me neither, and now is the time we pay for it with our own children, who have somehow learned how Christmas works through osmosis. 

So, without further ado, here are 55 thoughts every parent is bound to have on Christmas Day.

  1. Is it really time to wake up?
  2. Well, the kids are up, so yes, it is.
  3. 5 AM.
  4. No, don't open presents without me there!
  5. Can I at least get coffee first?  
  6. Can we feed your sister before the kraken awakens inside her?
  7. Okay, now presents.
  9. Only open the ones strategically placed in front of you, with your name on it!
  10. Yes, I know papa is Santa, but don't let your siblings know.
  11. No, the elf isn't real. Again, don't let your siblings know.
  12. The presents at our house are just as fun as the ones you'll open next. Let's take our time and enjoy them!
  13. Okay! Now that the paper is off, play.
  14. Yes, all of these presents are amazing, but does every single one need to be out of their packages in the first 5 minutes?
  15. You know what, now is the perfect time to start writing that birthday wish list full of all the presents you didn't get for Christmas (aka: please let this occupy your time for more than a few seconds.)
  16. Aaaaaand we’re bored.
  17. Is it lunch time yet? If it's not, we’re saying it is. Mommy needs a break.
  18. (It's just now an appropriate breakfast time)
  19. I should probably start on that dish I needed to make today.
  20. What was I cooking again?
  21. Oh yay! Time to leave our house a mess and carry on the celebration at someone else's house.
  22. Why are your socks not on?
  23. Where is your coat now? It's 10 degrees outside!
  24. Why are we going anywhere again?
  25. Oh yeah, food.
  26. Speaking of food, did we have to bring some?
  27. Did we remember to bring everyone in from the car?
  28. (Now is the moment I remember that I got my kids dressed up nicely, my in-laws look fantastic, and I look like I crawled out of a dumpster)
  29. More presents that must all be unwrapped and out of their packages immediately!
  30. Do we need to play with the noisy ones right this second?
  31. Please don't say that's already lost/broken.
  32. Are you sure I need to help pick up? I still haven't cleaned at my own house.
  33. Yes, a movie sounds fantastic!
  34. Aaaaand a kid has already left the room.
  35. This is why my mother-in-law cooks. It's quiet in the kitchen.
  36. I see half the sugar cookies have disappeared, and we haven't even gotten to frost them yet.
  37. I also see your new cardigan is covered in crumbs, but don't worry, I can't be 100% sure who stole the cookies without proper forensic evidence and an eyewitness testimony.
  38. More people! Normally, I'd be hiding by now, but this means more people to help with the kids!
  39. Is food done? Food is done!
  40. Please don't wipe that on your shirt.
  41. If you don't like it, don't spit it back in the bowl you took it from.
  42. No, you can't eat off my plate when yours is exactly the same.
  43. Time for one more movie? I was ready for bed 3 hours ago.
  44. You mean we have to pack up presents AND kids before we leave?
  45. It was totally an accident that we left the noisy toys at your place.
  46. You sure they can't stay here as my Christmas present?
  47. See you in a week so we can repeat for New Years (minus presents.)
  48. Home at last. Oh yeah, it's still a mess here.
  49. I know your toys are amazing.
  50. No, "Noisy T. Rex 2000" can't sleep with you.
  51. No, the Christmas lights can't stay on in your room all night.
  52. Wasn't it bedtime an hour ago?
  53. Can wrapping paper and toy boxes be considered Christmas decorations, so I don't have to pack them up before New Years?
  54. Time for mommy time! Bring on my presents!
  55. Did I say presents? I meant wine. Bring on the wine!

If you have larger family or multiple parties these steps may need to be repeated. And don't worry! If this wasn't fun enough there's always next year! Enjoy and happy holidays!

For the month of December, we will be celebrating the holidays with our 12 Days of Christmas. Be sure to check back for a new holiday piece by a new contributor.

Sage Rogers has been described as a b***h, lover, child, and mother but it's not legal to use those words together for fear of copyright infringement, so instead, Sage is a mother of 4, married, and by wine she meant rum.

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